27062011

The Dead Carbon Tax Sketch

The sketch:

     A customer enters a pet shop.

     Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

     (The owner does not respond.)

     Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

     Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

     Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

     Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

     Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this here Carbon Tax what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

     Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the European Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

     Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

     Owner: No, no, it's uh,... resting...

     Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Carbon Tax when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

     Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable tax, the European Blue, didn't I say? Beautiful credits!

     Mr. Praline: The credits don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

     Owner: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!

     Mr. Praline: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wake it up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Carbon Tax! I've got a lovely fresh bit of Co2 for you to offset...

     (owner hits the cage)

     Owner: There, it offset!

     Mr. Praline: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

     Owner: I never!!

     Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

     Owner: I never, never did anything...

     Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO TAX CARBON!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

     (Takes the Carbon Tax legislation out of the cage and thumps its on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

     Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead Carbon Tax.

     Owner: No, no.....No, It's stunned!

     Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

     Owner: Yeah! You stunned it, it was just starting up! European Blues stun easily, major, it needs lots & lots of money to get going...

     Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That tax is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of activity was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged trading session.

     Owner: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for the mines.

     Mr. Praline: PININ' for the MINES?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

     Owner: The European Blue prefers keepin' on it's back, nobody questions it then! Remarkable tax, isn't it, squire? Lovely offsetting!

     Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining said tax when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been operating in the first place was that everybody had been bribed with handouts from the tax!

     (pause)

     Owner: Well, of course it had been operating! If I hadn't bribed everybody, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its credits, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! all the way back to Europe and the UN!

     Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this tax wouldn't "voom" if you put ten billion dollars through it, and I know, I tried! 'E's bleedin' demised!

     Owner: No no! It's pining for the mines! and.. and.. it needs even more money!

     Mr. Praline: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This tax is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't bribed everybody with handouts it be pushing up the daisies! 'Its offsetting processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off 'its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-CARBON TAX!!

     (pause)

     Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of carbon taxes.

     Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

     Owner: I've got an old mining tax..

     (pause)

     Mr. Praline: Pray, does it work?

     Owner: Nnnnot really; couldn't get that to work either..

     Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

     Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

     Mr. Praline: Well.

     (pause)

     Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

     Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.